Allow me to be vulnerable tonight.
This is hard.
This new journey has already seen me through some of the most trying days of my life. I keep telling friends or family, “I knew I would get to this point. I knew these difficulties would come.” I sit in a loneliness deeper than I have ever felt before, and I have cried out to God for Him to do something to take away this pain and emptiness and exhaustion.
But, He doesn’t take it away. He hasn’t (yet) changed any of my circumstances.
Instead, He breathes His spirit upon me, He whispers His promises into my heart, He sings over me. Even when I can’t feel Him, when I’m too sad to even think, I am reminded that this is truly what it means to walk by faith and not by sight. I can’t see two hours in front of me, I can’t know what will happen or how I will feel two days, or two months from now- all I have are His promises. Lately I’ve been really asking myself if that is really, truly enough. Is trusting in God’s promises enough to get me through a long lonely morning, and a busy, stressful night of teaching?
For all the promises of God in Him are “Yes!” and in Him, “Amen!” to the glory of God through us. (2 Cor. 1:20)
I started writing this post not to share how sad I have been, or how difficult this first week has been. I wanted to share the reminders that I preached to myself tonight after this hard, hard morning and long, long night. Often when I feel empty, with no words to pray, I read through old journal entries/prayers. I flipped to a random page and this is what I read:
God will remain true to all the promises He has kept before. My future days are only filled with hope because they are filled with promises already kept. So we keep saying “yes” to God, because all promises in Him are “yes” and “amen.” Our days are in His hands, so we have no reason to fear, or certainly not to postulate what may come, or what we may and may not do. Already, His plans are taking root, and one morning we may wake up to its blooms.
If I can believe this in the deepest, emptiest parts of my lonely heart, I will make it through this year.
Yes. Amen. He promises so.
Before I share, let me say again how very, very grateful I am that you are praying for me. Each morning, when I feel too weak and fragile- emotionally, physically, spiritually- to get out of bed, I remember your prayers. I remember how many people have brought me before the Father, and I know in that moment that He is breathing strength into me through your intercessions. So thank you, thank you, thank you!
– Please pray for my mornings (evenings your time). Waking up, and the time before I leave for school (1pm) is the hardest, most depressing time of the day. Pray that God would give me strength to use this time effectively!
– Please pray for my school days. I work at an academy– In Korea, they call them hagwons, after-school school, essentially. I hope to write more about my job, but please pray for daily strength as I teach classes that I feel hardly prepared for.
– Please pray that I can get connected into a good community group from the church I’ve found here. I feel that this would be absolutely vital to my spiritual well-being, AND, I just want to talk with people about what God is teaching me! I know he doesn’t teach me lessons or show me Himself just so I can keep it to myself. Really though, I just want to talk to people in general, let’s be honest. (And not in korean-english…)
I love you all! Thank you for being a part of my life, across the sea.